Lost and Found

I am of the opinion that if you can't share your heart with your family, there is something wrong with your family or something wrong with you.....either way, there's something wrong! I know that in this day and age, we are all broke, run ragged and exhausted beyond understanding. We are spiritually challenged, emotionally drained (even though we put on a good show) and physically weak. This past year has been all those things, intensified, for me personally. If you will all indulge me, and continue reading, I'd like to share a very personal story with you. I guess in light of tomorrow being fast Sunday, it's more of a testimony.

I took the kids to California last month to visit with my Grandparents and sneak MacKenna and Garrett off to Disneyland for MacKenna's birthday...this was a trip that changed everything. The events of Saturday morning, March 15, 2008 were one's for the spiritual growth chart. So, it goes like this..........I was on the computer in the front room of my Grandparents quaint little Southern California home, looking for the hours and prices of the local Chuck E. Cheese pizza establishment, when my ears caught wind of a meaningless dispute between Garrett and Christopher. I heard Garrett come into the house from the front yard and march straight into the computer room to tattle on Christopher because of some "light saber" discrepancies. I'm quite sure the look on my face screamed "WHAT NOW?" After Garrett vented his complaints, I asked him to go outside and let Christopher know that I wanted to speak with him. Garrett complied with my request to go find the assailant in the great crime of messing up their Star Wars game. After a minute or two, Garrett came back into the house and let me know that Christopher was not out in the front yard and yet I don't remember hearing the slam of the clunky screen door and shakes the entire house...It's quite an unmistakable sound! I asked Garrett to find him as I continued on my quest for the pizza joint that would suck many dollars out of my wallet later that afternoon. "Mom, he's not here." I got up from the chair and asked Garrett what he meant and exactly where he had looked for his little Brother. I called his name several times with no response and instructed MacKenna to look in the backyard while I combed through the house. Room by room, closet by closet, I began to get a little worried during my second pass through the house. It's only 1400 square feet, where could he be? My Mother and I went out to the sidewalk and glanced up and down the street. There is an elementary school across the street but absolutely NO way to get in. Christopher would never climb a fence, he doesn't know how. My Grandmother and the kids went through the house and backyard again while my Mom and I began walking the street in separate directions, calling out his name. We had reached the ends of the street and frantically ran back to the house to throw a plan together. In desperate pleas for him to answer and with tears streaming down their faces, the kids asked what they could do to help....I instructed them to kneel down in prayer and ask Heavenly Father to keep him safe and help us find him. The kids immediately hit their knees and each of them offered up a sweet, heartfelt prayer for their little Brother. I grabbed my car keys and cell phone and reassured the kids that Heavenly Father heard their prayers and He will answer. I remember the look of shock and surprise on my Grandma's face. At that very moment, I realized just how grateful I was for the gift of prayer and that I could knowingly reassure my babies that their Father in Heaven would be faithful to help. In the kitchen, my Mom called the Sheriff's Department and then headed back to the street where she enlisted the help of strangers to drive around and look for our missing little boy.

Mind you, this is all happening very fast and the emotions connected with a lost child are amazingly overwhelming. My spiritual awakening comes now...while I was driving around their neighborhood screaming out Christopher's name. I began to pray loudly and with such a great conviction. My first prayer was of thanks and gratitude for my Son and the gift that he is in my life. I acknowledged that, essentially, Christopher belongs to our Father in Heaven but in this life, that child is MINE. Right or wrong, those were my Mommy thoughts. I prayed for his safety and petitioned his guardian angels that not one hair on his head be harmed. I proclaimed that he is a child of God with a plan and a purpose and this isn't it. I continued on, driving down the main road leading back into their neighborhood and lastly prayed for his safe return back to his family. Around the corner from the house I was intensely worked up and then became angry. I wasn't mad at God and didn't feel the need to bargain with Him but the claws of the Momma lion had come out and I said..."Wait just a minute!" I am not helpless here and I have the authority through Jesus Christ (not Priesthood) to proclaim this child as mine and speak to this situation the instructions which I would like followed. As I rounded the final corner to my Grandparent's house, I had a very distinct feeling that CHRISTOPHER WAS NOT LOST. It wasn't a light or a booming voice. It wasn't an earthquake or angelic being but it was a very clear, very sincere, very real peace that washed over me and tingled throughout my body. I felt such wonderful peace, in a personal way and yet still apprehension since I didn't see my Son standing in front of me to prove that he was not lost. I parked the car in front of the house and raised my hands up as if to ask a question.....still nothing. Bare foot with cell phone in hand I began walking up the street stopping cars in the middle of the road. I asked the occupants of each vehicle if they had seen a 4 year old little boy wearing dark blue spaceship pajamas. I was not afraid to stick my head in the car, check the back seat and then ask the people to pray for my Son. Heading back down the street, passing the house, I raised my head expecting to hear..."We found him" and still nothing. I was holding tight to the words, HE IS NOT LOST and yet, still he was not found. The search continues for what seems like and unbearable eternity. I came across a man walking a dog who said he was over at the school and there was no one else over there. Pondering "life" in my head and again praying aloud, I looked up to see the Sheriff's patrol car and my Mom converged in the street. I ran to the car and began answering their questions.....a brief pause in the questioning and then sweet, welcome words rang loudly through the air....."We found him"

I ran with the speed of a cheetah back to the house where the kids ushered me to the living room where Christopher lay wedged between a coffee table and a couch. I quickly picked him up and asked the kids where he was. They said he was hiding under the couch. At that point I didn't know whether to squeeze him tight or whip his bum!!! He didn't have any idea there was a helicopter in the air looking for him or that there were compassionate strangers spending their Saturday morning driving around the neighborhood looking for a supposedly lost little boy or that 3 Sergeants had begun a perimeter search of my Grandparents neighborhood or that he nearly gave his sweet Great Grandparents a heart attack. He didn't have any idea the drama that was ensuing out from under the sofa where he had hidden nearly 40 minutes earlier because he didn't want to get in trouble because of his and Garrett's meaningless spat.

Thankfully, by this time, the Deputy was standing at the bedroom door (where I had walked to) so I had to restrain myself from the things I wanted to say to this darling little child. I had so many why and how questions for him but just kissed him and told my little blessing that I loved him.

I know there is a purpose and a reason for all things. Some we'll never understand and some we just don't want to understand. Christopher, indeed, was not lost..........but I was!!! I was lost and felt alone. I believe this experience was for me. It was to speak to me and to test me. Because of a series of bad choices, poor decision making and a total lack of good judgement, I have felt far from grace and far from Heavenly Father, far from being worthy enough to have my prayers be heard. I have felt inadequate in many ways for over a year. I felt that God couldn't possibly want to hear from or speak to such a failure. I have been so lost and after the WORST 30+ minutes of my life, I was able to start to discover certain answers and be found again. I've been torn into pieces for a period of time and through a series of recent events have begun to see that with the Lord's help, my puzzle is being put back together, one piece at a time, one scripture at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time. I believe that Heavenly Father allowed me the feeling of peace and fully knowing that my Son was not LOST as reassurance that He hears me and if I will stop and listen, I will surely hear Him. It is now, as I look back upon the events that unfolded, I realize how much healing, love and reassurance I have received through that scary morning. I received the impression that Christopher was not LOST. Never was the impression that he's safe, he's not dead, he's at home.....The words were HE'S NOT LOST. I was lost and that morning, I began to open my eyes and be found. It took the fear of thinking my Son had been kidnapped, my Son, my baby, one of the most important things in my life to get me anxiously engaged in a meaningful interaction with the Lord. Many people have endured far worse than I and never received what I received that day. My impressions and personal revelations that day are so precious and priceless to me and I am thankful for the experience, the mercy shown to me. As for my darling Christopher..........he claims the Holy Ghost told him it was time to come out of hiding. I learned more lessons, more about myself, about my faith, about authority, about unconditional love and gratitude that day than I can even begin to list. That morning of complete horror and madness was one of the most beautiful experiences of my mortal life. I'm working on becoming whole but at least I'm not lost. You're never so far from your Daddy in Heaven that you can't stop what you're doing, right where you are, in the very moment you are in and tell Him you need to find your way back.